Monday, June 27, 2005

Mommy and Me

Okay, you know what? My Mom drives me nuts. I love her. We (compared to some families) have a great relationship. But she drives me nuts.
Tonight I called her up, because I said I would talk to her later, and she started preaching politics about a half hour into the conversation. She does this so often and it drives me nuts because we almost completely disagree, politically.
I did not intend to bring politics into this blog. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I hate politics? Or rather, I hate how most people treat politics. They treat it like sports, with everyone loyal to their teams. But politics, to me, are much worse in that respect. People hate it if you aren't loyal to their team, or party. Wars aren't started over sports, only riots (if you live in L.A.). My point is, politics are one of the easy ways to discriminate against someone. You know, besides, race, religion, sex, or gender.
I try to avoid talking politics more than I avoid talking religion. Mostly because I, like most people out there, don't know to much about politics. I know a little, but I don't study up on it, every day. I try to avoid the cable news shows, because they are oppinions, not news and therefore biased. While I realize it's near impossible to avoid bias, I still try. But I do watch "The Daily Show" because it's funny. Normally, if someone starts debating politics with me, I'll try to steer it to a more philosophical bend.
So anyway, my mom started talking about the whole current event of whether or not to allow the Ten Commandments to be displayed in courthouses. She later said that wasn't what she was talking about, because I raised a good point (that whole "separation of church and state" thing that's in our nation's paperwork). Then she said what she was talking about how a minority of people were being allowed to complain about what a majority of people voted for, and that was wrong. Naturally, I disagreed with that, as well (because of that whole "freedom of speech" thing that's in our nation's paperwork).
Other things we spoke about (you can guess who said what. If you're confused, let me know and I'll post the answers on my next entry) were:
* Gay marriages are against what the majority voted for and it's not right/ Civil rights are a bitch, huh?
* This country was founded on Christianity/ This country was founded on the right for people to worship the way they please.
* Atheists are against me having the American Flag in my yard/ No they aren't.
* There is a rage of Christian-bashing going on in this country/ People of other faiths and beliefs are finally speaking up for themselves and some people can't handle it.

... Do you notice a trend? Maybe a couple?
Okay, for one thing, my mom is not being Christian-bashed. Not when she lives in a place that is predominently Mormon, Born-again, Baptist and Catholic. And another thing, there is a lot of predjudice and anger there. This post is already way too long, I could write a book, I really could.
We closed on the war. She said that young people protesting against this war were just being immature. I asked about the young people in the 1960s (you know, her) who protested the war, then. Were they immature? Her answer was ultimately "yes", but not before the whole "but it was different then, it was the 60s" monologue. She said that fun adage, "those that do not know their history are doomed to repeat it". Maybe she should review it, again?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The Depths of Crapville, Population: Me

Okay, so I need to have roughly $1450 in thirteen magical days. Will this happen? My goodness, no. Not unless I win the lottery or do something illegal. I could do porn, I suppose. I haven't exactly been using my acting degree. But that could always come back to bite me in the butt (heh, heh).
I've told way too many people about my dillema. All the people I work with know about my demotion, and that I'm looking for another job. A couple people have actually offered to help me out, finacially. I am extremely reluctant to do anything like that for several reasons. The biggest being my past experience with accepting and paying back loans from a (now) former friend (but there were many issues involving that). I don't feel comfortable accepting money from friends. It can do terrible things to the friendship. What if I can't pay the money back for a long time (like a year or more)? What if that friend suddenly needs a few hundred dollars, immediately, and I'm only paying them $50 a month? No, there are too many cons compared to the pros.
And another thing: I think management knows about my *ahem* hard times. They're an at will employer. My massive amount of complaining could be grounds for termination. Do I want to be fired? Hmm... Maybe. It would free me up to look for another job. It would also free me up to be evicted. I think I'll get to keep my car for another month.
Maybe I can take out another loan? Because nothing would be more comforting than more debt.
The job hunt is not proving to be successful. Of course I haven't been looking at all this week.
I don't like being in trouble like this. I've been in trouble like this before, but my parents were always there to help me out. That is not an option, now.
I don't like me like this. I don't like that I allow money to control me like this. I have to fix this problem, and then work on getting to a point where money does not affect me like this. Or at least not this badly.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Blah, blah, blah, crap.

Q: Why do I pity myself so much?
A: Because I damned good at it. Years of practice.
It seems like I feel sorry for myself a lot. I make a buttload of progress when I ignore that part of myself. But it is a part of me, so I can't shut it out, totally. It's like ignoring a fire; it will only get bigger. I have to find a way to put it out, or at least tend to it so it doesn't get out of control.

Sunday, June 12, 2005


In school, they teach you the basic theories on how you end up the way you do: genetics or environment. Either we become what we become based on what we're born with, or by where and how we grow up. At home, I was also raised to believe that the stars influence us. It sure is one heck of a coincidence that so many people born in the same phase of the year have similar traits stronger than those born any other time of the year. All of these theories are viable, but there is one flaw that stands out with them: we have no control with these.
And ultimately, I'm coming to realize that it's our choices that put us where we are. I'm an only child, so I don't have any siblings to compare with. My mom is the oldest of four. They all had the same upbringing and DNA. Two of them went one way, and two of them went another. I'm certainly not the only person to grow up in the California dessert. We've all had many different outcomes. And all the Pisceans in the world certainly aren't just like me. We choose what our life is like and where it will go.
It isn't all about our choices, though. Other people's choices influence us, certainly. But how we react to those choices is what affects our individual lives.
For many years, now, I have chosen to remain not in control of my life. I've chosen (until recently) not to learn how to handle my finances. I chose to have relationships and friendships where I've been completely submissive. I've chosen to seek jobs that won't support my lifestyle, and I've stayed in most of those jobs until they've become unbearable. My actions have also affected my parents. Though they have made choices of their own, I know my actions have hurt them, financially. All of my choices and actions have only fed the notion to myself that I am not good enough or worthy of success.
I don't know when it started. I'm not sure how to stop it. I can only do my best and see that my choices will prove to myself that I'm worthy of everything I deserve.
I miss acting so much. I've been in L.A. for over six years, now, and I've hardly done anything for it.

Thursday, June 9, 2005

T'would be nifty if I could work here, t'would. But my guess is I couldn't make a living if I did. Also, would I hate the place because it would be "work"? That would suck.  Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 2, 2005

Be careful what you wish for.

Today at work, I was given my last warning that I am too slow. As a server.
Apparently, I've received too many complaints, and I'll be fired if I get one more. Boy that meeting was just loads of fun.
Work is slow right now, and there are too many people working there. I guess I'm first on the hit list.
I personally would like to think of this as a blessing in disguise. At least I'm being given a small grace period to look for a new job. Because, honestly, how long can a person go without a single complaint?
Well, I was hoping to work there through one more holiday season, but oh well.
Time to dust off the ol' resume.