Sunday, November 20, 2005

Tears for Fears

When I first moved to the Los Angeles area, my goal was to become an actor. It still is, even though it has been pushed aside numerous times. I went to an acting conservatory where I did learn a lot, even though I hated the experience. One thing I wanted to learn to do was cry, as I'd never been able to do it on stage (nor had I ever really had the opportunity to on stage, by that point). It's a goal I think a lot of actors starting out try to accomplish. It's not really spoken, but crying seems to mean that you're a good actor. One thing's for sure, trying to cry in a scene and not being able to accomplish it looks really crappy, unless you're playing a crappy actor or a character who is not fooling anyone in the scene with you.
Often times at the conservatory, I was that crappy actor. It seemed my teachers also seemed to think that an actor was only good if they could cry, as all my scenes had me crying in them, even if it wasn't called for in the scene. Every time, I couldn't cry. One teacher, for about half the length of the class, had me scream at nothing and bang my fists against the walls until tears started streaming down my cheecks. Then he told me to "use that" for the scene. Seeing as how I was raging at nothing, I incorporated nothing into the scene. Thus, I couldn't cry during the scene, still.
I've had two different teachers tell me it was going to be their goal to break me open or set me free, or something along those lines. As nice as their intentions were, I'm sure, I was never around long enough to be broken or freed. I think, though, as far as I'm concerned, anyway, that something like that could happen in a class. For me, the results of my life thus far have always contributed to what I put out in my performances. I'm not sure if it's method acting, but I think every actor plays a part based on how they can relate to that part.
Of the few roles given to me, out here most have dealt with anger or fear. Up until recently, I'd never really harvested any anger or fear. But in the almost seven years I've lived on my own, I have known both, very well. Now, I think I could play those roles quite well. Now I have more to put in.
I'm worried about my Dad. His place of employment is basically cancelling out his job, and he's afraid of what could happen and where he would go after that. According to my Mom, he's being snippy and holding a lot of things in, which is how he was acting when he had his heart attack. To be honest, I'm worried about both of them. It's one of the two main reasons I'm moving back in with them. I know bad things aren't my fault, but I just get this feeling my parents are giving up. I'm to used to seeing them thrive or fight to thrive. But they've been smacked with more stuff than they expected to get smacked with at this point in their lives. The same thing has happened to me, but to be fair (and no offense to them), I can blame my stuff on youthful ignorance.
I think the thing that bothers me most is they are treating their lives as if they're almost over. Their theory is, "We're old, now. We can't do anything new." But if you ask someone in their presence about a senior citizens discount, and they scoff as though they barely qualify. It's a syndrome my parents deemed our old dog, Shorty, had that they called "selective senility". Or maybe that was Granpa. Ah well.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

This photo isn't totally current. I took it this spring, but I really like the color.
Work has not been as good as it was in October, but it's not terrible. I'm used to being poor, now. It's not for too much longer, anyway. My lease is up in 107 more days, and I only plan on working at the scottish place until the week of Valentine's Day. So, even if I work six days a week until then, at the very most I'll only be there for 84 more days. That's really not so terrible. And Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, and that's the only day of the year we're closed, so that's only 12 more brunches at most! And I'm going to be trained for dinners, this week. So good times are comming (and I can save for the move to my parents'!).
Through all of the crap, I still like working at the scottish place. But after what happened in the spring, it really hit me that I'm making no progress, whatsoever. And if I continue down this path for any amount of time, I'll probably still be right where I am, now: not getting ahead, not working towards my goals and not being happy.
I am unfortunately driven by money. I think there are only two ways you can't be driven by money. The first one is, you have so much money, you'll never be troubled by anything except matters of the heart. The other way is if you live in a society that isn't ruled by materialism. Seeing as how I do not live, nor intend to live (as far as I know) in a society that has no need for materialism, my goal is to become the former.
And I know it's tacky, and I know it's cliche, but I'm thinking about going into real estate. You know, right when the boom is ending.
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